[Day, Time: Who knows anymore?] (Yo momma!) (Or does she? *ominous music*) (Find out next time on As Hell Burns?) [Y'all are SO, like, at the gate the ominous castle, 'cept it's not really ominous so much as, y'know, made marble or something. But it's totally out of fashion, so, like, it is scary in a way.] (....o.O;) (*cracks up*) ( I now *know* fear. ) (Totally!) (Isn't that so cool!) (... did someone let Arry GM this session? <_<) (Eww. Like, who builds castles out of marble nowadays?) (Ohmigaw!) [Lots of stuff happened. Chomei = Evil. Makoto = Missing. Lazar = Angsty. The rest of the cast = etc. Anyway, you're at the gate preparing for the Journey West, when suddenly a monkey... Er, nevermind that part. You're going west, though, and to do that, you need to go to the stables and get your ride. But prior to that, there is a bazaar available if you wish to trade for anything.] [Launch MC2.exe] ( I thought Chomei=lame? ) (Evil Chomei? What is he so lame he kills people with his lameness?) ( That too ) (He's not evil, just misunderstood. And, well, still lame. Sorry. ;p) (A monkey, a pig, and a priest walk to the the west. And the monkey says to the-- aww, nevermind.) (Do I get to be the priest?) (Only if I get to stay out of this joke.) * Chie adjusts the strap of her bag. She's standing in the courtyard with the others, more specifically next to Chomei. "So, guys, what are we supposed to be doin' now?" * Asanjya idly twirls her staff. "Iiiiiii dunno. Do we have time to go shopping at the bazaar? I bet I could get some of the more rare spell components there." * Maria sits on a wall. "Dunno." * Rei is there and dressed for battle! As much as she usually is, which means she's wearing her normal clothes. "We can go shopping! Just don't trade your soul away." * Lazar wanders up to the group, still in golem form. "Sorry I late. Forgot Slinky." Believe me, I fully intend to hold onto mine. And I can't really think of anything I'd want there, either. We're going off to get cool weapons, so I don't need that. Although they might have some interesting jewelry... hmmm. * Asanjya blinks once at Lazar, then smiles. * Chomei shrugs. "I don't care either way. I've seen enough of 'here' as I want to." You can get new and interesting powers! Some people did that twenty years ago. Only Mom did it while under the influence of that evil stupid and horribly... I can't think of a word bad enough sword. Stinking wrinkled whore mother of swords? Oh. That thing. * Chie practically spits. I just want some meese meat! And some third eyelashes, and some demon toe fungus... and maybe a demonic crystal or two! * Rei thinks, then perks! "Maybe I can find a way to fix up Katsu! And let me sleep! Sleeping would be a new and interesting pasttime - it's a way to grow fat and lazy. Let's gooooo!" She grabs Chie by the arm and starts pulling her to the bazaar. Wah! Okay, okay, I'm coming! * Chie is dragged. * Asanjya follows after Rei/Chie at a run! * Maria is dressed normally. "Sleeping's nice, sure." * Maria follows at a trot, since the others aren't too fast by her standards. Is nice, yes. *lumbers after the others* * Chomei sighs. He runs after Chie and the bunches of people. I always wondered if I could get fat and lazy or if maybe I used up enough energy. My parents kept telling me that I use up enough energy for tens of tens of people just by talking so much, but someone's got to fill up that empty space with not-quite-quality conversation, right? I can't see you ever getting fat or lazy, Rei. Yes, but both? Or implies one of them. I could do both at the same time! Though I'm not really that good at multitasking, come to think of it, the food always ends up being burned. [The bazaar is bizarre. They're selling about everything you could possibly imagine, sometimes literally.] * Asanjya looks around for an old lady demon surrounded by bottles and potions and creepy-crawlies and maybe even a book or two! "Oooooooh, this is exciting! Even my uncle will be jealous if I can get some third eyelashes. Which is horrible! Can you imagine ruining some perfectly nice- ooh, now *this* is nifty. * Chie tries to take as much of it in as she can while she's being dragged along. * Rei slows down to look at stuff! * Chomei walks along, hands in his pockets. * Maria looks around for... uh... something. Hm. * Chie slows down when Rei does, and starts looking around, particularly for anything that looks like jewelry. * Lazar eyes the bazaar warily, shrugs, and starts wandering semi-aimlessly. [Maria sees a lightpost.] * Maria looks for something more interesting. For sale. (But it is not dented, since Satoshi has not been here! We think.) [The lightpost is for sale.] * Asanjya keeps looking for that reagent seller. * Maria ignores it, since that's more Lazar's thing. [Asanjya finds a number of people selling reagents. Some are selling regeants, too.] * Lazar eyes the lightpost briefly... nah. Not heavy enough. ( I wonder whether anybody is selling regents. "Kings and queens for sale!" ) * Maria looks for useful things. Or expensive things that aren't adequately protected. * Chie sticks with Rei, though she does look over her shoulder to see if Chomei came along as well. * Asanjya walks up to a reagent seller. "Excuse me, but do you have third eyelashes? Or demon toe fungus?" * Chomei came along, and he's staying reasonably close to Chie too. * Lazar settles for looking around for anything big'n heavy that might make for good whacking. Or something that creates new bodies to transfer souls into. One of the two. The seller (a big orcish looking thing) grins at Asanjya and says in the most peculiar accent: "Ve have der everything you could le want." (...hah!) [Lazar meanwhile finds an alchemists' shop. And a club shop.] * Lazar walks over to the club shop. "What kind clubs you have?" * Rei keeps looking. Something to cure Katsu, something to help with her sleeping problem (because she doesn't). Hmm. * Asanjya rubs her chin. "Weeeeeeell, how much for both?" The thing (a glob of sludge with a tree growing from the top) grunts at Lazar: "Club." * Lazar nods. "Club. Good." *looks at the clubs* Oh. Oh! Chie, lookit this! A real Chinese finger trap! Kinda like a fly trap, only it eats fingers... talk about your exotic plants. Hey, cool! ...except why would we want something that eats fingers? I wonder if chicken fingers will work. It's good for stopping people from cheating at cards? * Chomei looks around for, um... He doesn't know what. * Chomei looks for a clue? * Lazar hmms. Any particularly interesting clubs? But we don't play cards, Rei. Maybe we should start, though, now that we know people won't be cheating if we keep that around! * Makoto is not himself. At least, he doesn't really look like himself. He looks more like a bazaar vendor with a trenchcoat lined with stolen watches. "Hey," he calls to Chomei. "Hey, buddy. Interest you in a fine timepiece? Authentic Kirbylex." * Chomei glances in Makoto's direction. ( Good goddess, we've got a case of Mixed Makotos? ) (Can I tell it's Makoto?) * Makoto lets his face melt back to its normal, Makoto-ey appearance. "Dirt cheap," he continues with a grin. "Gimme some dirt and I'll give you the time of day, you rotten demon hunter." The whatzit that Asanjya is speaking to sez: "Der ingredients vill le cost you der left finger for der eyelashes andy the fungus vill le cost you der ability to le use der letter 'W'" * Rei hears the words "rotten demon hunter" and the tone of voice and looks that way. She blinks. * Chomei walks up to Makoto. "Look who the cat dragged down." * Chie looks over. "Makoto?" MAKOTO! * Rei runrunpounces the doppelganger. Gwahk! * Chie walks over. "Makoto, how'd you get here?" * Makoto topples. * Chie laughs. Long story, long story. Hey, cutie. Mind getting off of me? I don't want to be around when the owner of this trenchcoat gets back. * Chomei chuckles. "Figures." Hey, we've got time. [And Lazar spots a number of different kinds of clubs. The glob-witta- tree nudges one fondly. "Club!"] Rei was worried about you, but I think you might have figured that out.l Well, if we don't, he does. * Asanjya goggles. "A whole letter? What, are you _trying_ to get me killed? I counteroffer you the letter after Z for just the fungus, or a year of my life for both." * Rei sits up on his stomach and gives him a solid slap across the face. "Where the hell did you come from!" And then she blinks. "Oh, okay." Up and off of Makoto she is, but still eyeing him. Do we? I thought we had a mission? I don't know about you guys, but I've only been in Hell for half and hour and already I can't wait 'til we do what needs doing and get the--Ow! And you deserved that. * Chomei nods. Asanyja's merchant shakes his head. "Der price le is vholesale." * Makoto rubs his cheek. "Some crazy lady sent me down here. Sorry I missed the bus. Or however you got here. I really, REALLY couldn't have the phone on when you called, cutie." * Makoto looks at Chomei, and Chie, and back to Rei. "Where's everybody else?" Taxi, actually. And what crazy lady? * Rei folds her arms. "Why not? This'd better be so beyond good there's no describing how beyond good it is." Oh, they're around. * Lazar hefts the club the tree-blob gave him, testing it's weight, balance, whackability, etc. * Maria comes up behind Makoto. "Oh, there you are. You bring money?" [It's definitely a club.] Well, can I talk while we walk? I'm getting really hostile vi--GWAH! * Makoto jumps away from Maria and spins around to face her. Don't DO that! * Chie snickers. * Rei giggles. * Chomei smirks. * Maria grins. "Do what?" Anyhow, yes, you can talk as we walk, so long as you talk. * Lazar hrms, and puts it back. "I think I rely on self for now... hmm." *notices the others gathered around Makoto* "Club ;_;" * Asanjya narrows her eyes at the demon. "You're kidding me. Wholesale? Look, you'll have me down here as a regular customer eventually, why not make it quicker and take off the year at the end? You know what? Make it two years off the end. How's that?" ... hmm. How much is club, anyway? "Club! ^_^" (...) (You're barganing for a living club with emoticons?) (It's cute.) (Well, yeah.) (And you can use it to smush enemies.) ( No. I'm bargaining with a blob with a tree on top of it's head, FOR a club. That's just a club. ) The demon shakes his head. "No can hablo the deal." ( It's your new mascot!) * Makoto sticks his tongue out at Maria and then nods as he looks around for Lazar and Asanjya. "No, Maria, I didn't bring money. Rei, I'm sorry I didn't call you, but I really couldn't. I swear. Chie, the lady was some... strange looking person. Very pretty, but half the time I couldn't tell whether she was a guy or a girl. " ... club cost club? So what'd he/she look like, then? "Club! ^_^" * Maria blinks. "*you* couldn't tell?" * Rei opens her mouth to say something, then Chie does, so she closes it. ... how many club do club cost? "Club!" * Asanjya humphs. "Fine! I'll take my business elsewhere." And her emotions were all whacked out. That made it even harder to tell, yeah. She said her name was Kaene. Anyway, where is everybody? Hell makes me nervous. Hell yeah it does. * Makoto smirks. * Rei blinks. Then blinks again. "Kaene? Like, *the* Kaene? With a bigass key?" Kaene, huh. ... club cost club clubs? "Club!" * Chie files that away, then blinks. "Wait. Rei, you *know* her? Him?" * Lazar takes a moment to process that. "I be right back." * Makoto nods absently, still scanning the crowd. "Yeah. Definitely had a big key. Hey! Lazar!" He shouts across the bazaar and waves his arms. "Lazar! Find Asanjya and get over here, huh?" "Club." She's an angel! Maybe not. She was an intern twenty years ago. But my parents had to deal with her, 'cause she worked for Heaven and was sorta like their go-between. You met *her*? That's awesome! ... Hey, you'd better tell me the rest of why you couldn't call, Makoto, you look like you're deliberately avoiding the subject. * Asanjya spins on her heel and walks back to the group. "OOOOOOOOH! I can't beLIEVE the PRICES down here! The letter "W" for some demon toe fungus? How DARE..... oh, hey, it's you." So now we've got Hell *and* Heaven involved? What did we get ourselves into? * Lazar walks over to Asanjya. "Silly tree-hat blob thing only say 'club' when I ask about buy club. You speak silly tree-hat blob language?" * Maria thinks. "What's the key for?" Unlocking stuff. Huh. Must be a big lock. * Asanjya looks up at Lazar. "Um, no, actually, not unless it's Lower Demon, and I don't think they speak "club"." Hitting stuff over the head? ... I confused, then. How get answers from thing what only say 'club'? You hit stuff with a key? ( Emoticons! ) Did you try drawing pictures? (*pictures Chomei as Sora again*) * Rei keeps her eyes on Makoto. * Maria shakes her head. "Weird." Well, if something's big enough, you can hit stuff with it. * Makoto rubs his temples. "I'm not deliberately avoiding the question, Rei, I'm just... Hell is really bothering me. Can we please get moving?" I thought they'd have cool stuff here. I'm sorely disappointed. * Asanjya frowns at Maria. "They DO, it's just all too expensive. And they won't barter." True. Okay, so let's move. * Rei blinks, then sighs. "Yeah, okay. We're shopping." She wanders off in a randomish direction, looking at wares. Someone's got to have what she's looking for. ( Some of them will! :P ) Because when I ask if what club cost, he say club. And when i ask if club cost club, he say club. And when I ask if club cost club clubs, he say club. And I get headache. Why barter? I could just grab it for you. I'm sure they'd understand. Stealing in Hell's a bad idea. .... really? Is that, uh... safe? Prolly not? Hell, I dunno. I did it for a living long enough. * Chie taps Makoto on the shoulder. "You know, you're gonna have to tell her eventually." Whatever it is you were up to, that is. Because she was really upset when you didn't show. Well, you can try, Maria, but be careful. ...er, well. Hey, can we go ahead and go find us some demon-busting tribespeople to barter with? * Makoto nods. "I'll make it up to her. But later. Why are we splitting up again? We're supposed to go. Please?" We're splitting up? Or we can go. Okay, okay. Go after her, Makoto, and then we'll head out. ... yes. Let's club. I mean go. Go. Oy. "Club ;_;" * Makoto nods and slips into the crowd after Rei. "Be right back," he mutters as he goes. * Maria sighs. "Hell is so lame." * Chie looks over at the group. "So where are we supposed to go next? The stables? Any of you know where those are?" * Lazar mutters something in Hungarian, followed by something in Hebrew. * Makoto catches up with Rei. "Rei, wait!" [So does the tree-blob] Can't eat. Can't steal. No tall buildings. Booooring. ( I *knew* that was coming! ) On the bright side, we... um... we... is there a bright side? What? I'm tryin' to find a cure for my sleeping disorder and Katsu's... condition here. You can find anything here, so maybe they got one or the other or both. * Lazar blinks, and walks back over to the tree blob, speaking Hungarian this time. (How cute!) (I bet IT would have taken years off my life in exchange. >_<) ( Just club it already. ) * Lazar frowns, and switches to Hebrew. Could we maybe check on the way back? I really don't want to stay in Hell longer than necessary. Please? ( Isn't this an RSP schtick? =P ) ( Wouldn't know. ) ( Kill. Kill. Kill. ) ( Nah. It's universal. Like chickins. ) * Rei turns to look at him for a moment. "But the way back or the way there, they'd each take just as long and we'd have to be here either way." * Lazar rubs his head, producing that funky grating sound. He mutters in Hungarian. *walks back to the group* * Chomei nods. "Likewise. Let's take care of business, THEN deal in this house of horrors." [Meanwhile an orange-skinned demon sporting shades, a leather jacket, a mowhawk, and no less than 20 earrings in each of his pointed ears walks up to the blob. "Awright! New clubs!"] True, but... * Chie counts his earrings. "...wow. I'm impressed." [So does this tiny, fat demon. "Nu clubzors! Roxxor!"] ... * Makoto grimaces. "Fine, augh! SHOP! I'll just go do whatever by myself!" * Rei blinks. * Rei grabs Makoto by the arm before he can run off, because he probably will. "Hey. What's wrong?" [A few more demons come by, and within a few more minutes the club shop is sold out.] * Chie taps her foot. "Dammit, what's taking them so long?" * Maria shrugs. I don't know... * Asanjya is looking around anxiously. "I wonder if the prices are better anywhere else...." * Lazar shakes his head, and wanders back to the group. "Club. Oy." Yeah. Back home. Hey, Chie, do you think there's anything I could use? You can't get some of this stuff back home, Maria! I mean, who has a third eye you can get lashes from anymore? Did you have anything in mind? * Makoto stops mid-turn and turns back to Rei. "I don't want to take so long because the others will hear. Let's just say I did something very... dramatic so I could save my uncle. I don't want to be in Hell. It feels wrong, and ominous, and it's making me so nervous I could really vomit. I just... I just want to get out of here, Rei. Please." * Chomei shrugs. "I'm not sure..." * Asanjya walks a little ways away, and tries to find a booth selling reagents that's not far from the group. I'd think you'd want to avoid hellstuff, but that's just me. What happened? No, it's okay, you can tell me later. If you want to. Okay? I bet you didn't do anything bad, or at least didn't mean to, and that has to count for something- * Rei shuts up and just gives him a hug. True... (Yeah, but what would he give for A Clue?) * Chie half-smiles at him. "And I don't think they sell hearing aids here. Ears, maybe, but not those." * Makoto hugs her back with genuine warmth. "Thanks, Rei. Now let's grab the group and run. Wherever we're going." * Chomei smirks back. I'm kinda curious as to what those weapons we're supposed to get will turn out to be like. * Rei beams and holds Makoto's hand, leading him back to the group. Well then, let's go find out. I hope I no have to use little sissy weapon. I feel rather dumb if have to fight demon with dart. * Chie sees Rei and Makoto come back. "You guys are more than ready to get outta here, right?" * Asanjya has been paying attention to the group while hunting, and comes back looking dejected. "Aw man, we've gotta go already?" * Makoto is lead back to the group, and looks around when he draws near again. "Hi. I'm definitely ready to get outta here." We'll stop by later if we have time. For now, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Let's get this over with, mmm kay? I bet we'll have to do tests of wisdom, courage, and power. Like in Zelda 12: Link Returns Again With Kirby. Think of this way, little one. Demon-hurting weapon more useful than any eyelash, fungi, or spleen. * Asanjya perks up a little. "Oh, okay." So. To the stables! ...wherever in hell they are. Yeah, I suppose it is. Especially if I mess up my wards like last time! Well, the last time I messed up my wards. Sure. We'll find some three-eyed freak for you one day. ( "Actually, I'm not sure where they are. The location of the stables is unstable." "..." ) ( Heh. ) * Asanjya looks at Maria. "Would you really? That'd be awesome!" * Maria shrugs. "Sure. And I'll bet I can take at least half it's eyelashes before it knows I'm there." Okay, so, we need to get transportation and the location of our destination. Right. Makoto, you haven't met Aunt Chelsea yet! You should do that, too. * Rei starts walking back! With Makoto in tow. Yeah. We're headin' west, right? Although it'd be nice to have something more specific to go on. I thought Chelsea come with us, show where is? * Asanjya is looking around, kind of distractedly. She's absentmindedly petting Xaphan in her pocket. Chelsea? Oh right. Rei's... whatever. Rei's whatever? Godmother. * Rei just starts heading back to the castle. Chelsea's in the castle! Probably. "My aunt, who's actually more like my cousin if you want to follow the family tree, but it's a little confusion for first, second, or third-timers. And my godmother, yeah!" Oh. Rei, you've got one hell of a family tree. Hold it, hold it. Could she just be waiting at the stables? It's very confusing. Try not to think about it too hard, lest your brain get tied in knots. Rei is related to Chomei, too. I think. It confusing, like club. Hell is an understatement. Victoria's in it, too! Oh, maybe, but I don't have a Chelsea radar on me. Yeah, Chomei's like my nephew! Right, that. What the hell's a godmother, anyway? I thought only demons lived here. * Asanjya absentmindedly nudges Lazar. "Hey." I prefer not to think of it at all. * Lazar looks down at Asanjya. "Hmm?" * Asanjya looks up. "Apart from club, does the rest of this ever make any sense?" * Rei looks at Maria. "Godmother's your substitute mom. Like godfather, she's one of the people that'll take care of you if your parents and other relations should die." Nope. None whatsoever. I just smile, nod, and hit what need be hit. [You go to the castle. You're at the gate.] What are you saying, Chomei? That Rei's not good enough to be related to you? * Asanjya nods. "I thought not. Well, so much the better. Xaphan was wondering." (Oh ho. Zing!) * Rei changes course. To the stables! ( Less the endquote. ) I don't think he was saying *that*, Makoto. * Maria looks miserable after the explanation. "Oh." * Chomei glares steadily at Makoto. "I suggest you do not put words in my mouth." [Y'all head to the stables, where there's a big red demon setting up a coach. The coach is led by four animals: Two resemble mooses with mice heads, two resemble giant mice with moose heads. Atop the carriage is a fishing poll, a box, and a steering wheel.] * Rei waves with the hand that isn't tugging Makoto along as she cheerfully stays out of the meeses' view. "Hi!" * Demon whistles as he finishes harnessing the creatures. He turns as you approach. "Humans? You shouldn't be here." * Maria makes a face. "Ewsmell." Yeah, but we are anyway. Hi. * Makoto waves his hand at Chomei as he follows Rei to the stables. "Fine, fine." Hello, Mr. Demon! We're here to go visit somewhere else. * Maria whispers to Rei. "If you're family, make it useful." * Chomei smirks and relaxes somewhat. Well, 'should' and 'shouldn't' are such vague terms. Wouldja know where Chelsea Taltos is? And we're gonna need one of those soon too, yeah. * Rei flicks her tail at Maria's whisper. Oh, you're THOSE humans. Why didn't you say so? Yeah, this here is for you. All set and ready to go. * Lazar palms his pendant, turning his human illusion back on. Cool. You wouldn't happen to have directions to the Chinese exiles' village, would you? We just did and thanks! That's a big help. Time saver. So Chelsea isn't here? We kinda need to find out where exactly we're heading- what she said! Oh yeah! * Asanjya glances at Lazar askance, and suddenly smiles. * Demon pulls a roll of parchment from his shirt. "Here you go! Julian told me to give this to you. Just head to the big red X." He holds it out towards Rei. It smells funny. * Chie peers around Rei. "Does it have a 'You Are Here' arrow or somethin' so we know where we are now?" * Rei takes it and gives a slight sniff. * Maria sniffs too. * Lazar has no sense of smell! * Makoto refuses to sniff any further after his initial whiff. * Chie frowns slightly at it when she catches a hint of the smell. * Chomei doesn't sniff it. Dude, I'm not getting any higher than I am normally. <.< * Asanjya looks at the map. She sniffs. "Bladders." * Rei sneezes to one side. "Eeew, okay." Bladders? [There's a big red X there.] It's Hell. What do you expect? ( "What's a bladder? Is it tasty?" "Only if you're Scottish." ) Something that isn't bladders? It smells like bladderprint. Do I even WANT to know what that is? I don't think we do. * Rei unrolls it instead! "There's the X! We just need to follow it. That's easy, right?" She looks at the guy. "Hey, if I throw this out in front of the cart, will it be a beacon we can follow? Or will it move? Like the second star to the right or like one of those moving targets?" I don't think I do. Yeeeah. But does it tell us everything we need to know about the route to our destination? No? It's a map. * Asanjya shrugs. "It's paper made of the skin of bladders. It's not exaaaaaactly the hardest concept, yanno?" Sure it does. It's a big, red, stinking X. That sounds a lot like this whole trip. Don't tell me you can't use a map. You humans are so intellectually backwards. Hey, watch it, buddy. * Rei shakes the map at the demon. -I- can see it perfectly fine, thank you. * Chie can't help but snicker. But... Asanjya? Why not use wood? * Chomei rolls his eyes. And you demons are so literal! You're pretty cool, though. Not literally. Like a neat person. Demon. Thing. Anyway! Thanks for helping. I'll ask about bladders some other time. Yeeeah. Cool? My blood's made of fire! I said not literally! * Chie looks at the coach and the animals. "So how's all that work, then?" I AM literate! * Chie notes that demons don't seem to be very good at listening. But your blood isn't. Like I said, I try not to think about it. Wood lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, don't you think?> Of COURSE not! Blood doesn't read! * Lazar rubs his head. "If I still had real head, I be getting headache right now." She's trying to compliment you, Big Red. Say 'Thank you'. * Rei gets distracted by Chie's question. "You just put a meatbun on the fishing rod and hold it in front of the meese and they chase it." And then what? It's a whole hamsterwheel effect. And you steer! Juh nay say quah? What the heck is that? Okay, so do we have everything we need to get going, then? You should. * Maria rolls her eyes. "...right. Sorry, forgot where I was for a bit." Good. Let's go, guys! Ah reckon we do! A certain style. I mean, the Necronomicon's done up in normal skin, and that's just a human-made book, right? I call shotgun! Rei, you wanna drive? We get the picture. Let's just get going. Yes! We can go. * Rei hops onto the wagon. "Hell yes!" * Asanjya hops into the carriage? * Chie hops onto the seat next to Rei! ...Rei's driving? This'll be good. * Maria hops up on top of the carriage. (Oh, you know it will. ^^) * Chomei hops into one of the seats. Let's see how these things run. ... Rei driving. Yup, we definately in hell... *gets into the carraige, trying to find somewhere to sit where a sharp turn won't cause him to smush people* * Rei grins as she hooks the meatbun onto the end of the pole. "Chie! Your job is to make the carriage go!" You're the Chief of Fuel! * Makoto climbs onto the wagon. "Oh, I see. Well, if humans make a cool book that's bound with skin, and demons make maps out of bladders, then it follows that demons have an obsession with the digestive system. Well, that makes sense. Thanks, Asanjya!" Yay for that. So I just hold it in front of those things? [Chie, Maria and Rei are awfully cramped. Which might be acceptable if there were any walls or bannisters preventing them from falling off at a sharp turn, but since there's not...] Fuel Commander? Secretary of Fuel. Fuel Prime Minister. SHHH, I'm trying to make it sound important. * Asanjya pulls Xaphan out of her pocket and puts him on her shoulder so he can see out the window. "Well, I mean, there's certainly a lot of excrement in Dante's Hell, you know?" ... I no think bladder part of digestive system, Makoto. Oh, it's very important, Rei. And I'll accept whatever title you give me, but am I correct in my interpretation of my duties? [The carriage creaks when Lazar gets in.] * Makoto nods at Asanjya. If there's been a play made about it, he can relate. He turns to Lazar. "It's not? But... food goes in, gets digested, waste comes out. What would the bladder be part of if not the digestive system?" You just hold the bait in front of them and they do the rest. It's not hard. Absolutely! You're very talented, Ms. Matsuda! * Chie gives Rei a victory sign and holds out her hand for the fishing pole. Waste removal is separate system, if remember right. * Asanjya tickles Xaphan under the chin. The demon appears amused. "The endocrine system." If I remember my anatomy right. I'm really more genetics than straight anatomy... Look, can we get going? Ohhh. Smart people. * Makoto gives Lazar and Asanjya an approving nod. * Lazar pokes his head out the window, eyes Chie and Rei, then pulls his head back in. "We so doomed." Wait, I am wrong. Endocrine is hypothalamus, pituitary.... what IS the bladder part of? * Chomei shrugs. "Can't be worse than what's gonna happen anyways." Heh. This reminds me of a joke. * Rei gives the wheel a quick test. "Okay! Here we go!" She waves bye to the demon, then hands the map to Chie. "Here, you're also Chief of Navigation, unless you want to delegate duties to someone else." * Maria rolls her eyes. "Hell if I know." * Makoto glances apprehensively at Asanjya, but continues anyway. "Anybody know why Helen Keller was such a bad driver?" Okay. I *think* I can do this. * Rei grins madly. "Whenever you're ready, start the engines!" * Chomei sighs. "Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?" * Chie sets the map on her lap, uses one hand to hold it down, then extends the fishing pole so that the meese can see the meatbun but not reach it. "Let's go!" Who? ( Chie, riding roll! ) Who Helen Keller? 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chie (2d6) and gets 5. * Rei grips the steering wheel. Woot! Famous blind woman. So. No guesses? Chomei's already forfeited his guess. Any takers? [When the meatbun comes into view, the meese collectively make a noise that sounds like "WOOT!" And charge at it at breakneck speed!] ( everyone, body roll! -2 for those in the coach ) 2d6-2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chomei (2d6-2) and gets 5. 2d6-2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Makoto (2d6-2) and gets 4. 2d6-2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Asanjya (2d6-2) and gets 2. 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Rei (2d6) and gets 6. 2d6-2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Lazar (2d6-2) and gets 3. Oooh, okay. It's just part of the waste removal system, I remember now. 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chie (2d6) and gets 7. ( We're trapped inside a runaway carriage. Luckily, the drivers were thrown free. Of course, if they hadn't been thrown free, the carriage wouldn't be a runaway... ) 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Maria (2d6) and gets 7. [The coach is jostled by the sudden movement, and though the people inside manage to stay in their seats and not smush each other, the two drivers nearly fall off. The coach stops just as suddenly as it started when Chie loses her grip on the fishing pole.] Wah! Aww, shit! * Maria goes to grab the pole. * Chie regains her balance and looks to see where the fishing pole went. * Lazar holds on to the frame of the carraige to keep from bouncing around. [Maria gets it.] [Chie doesn't get it.] * Asanjya sways with the coach but stays balanced. * Maria pole get! Now she delivers it back into Chie's hands. * Rei yelps but manages not to fall out. Pause. "Cool!" Erk. Okay. Next time, I shall brace myself. * Chie checks the meatbun. * Makoto sighs. "Look, nevermind the joke. Since you guys don't kn--woah!" He hangs on to any hang-onto-able surface so as not to be thrown around the carriage. [The meatbun is a bit dirty. Think they'll notice?] Yeah, but that was fun! Like a ride at an amusement park almost immediately shut down for maintenance due to technical difficulties, only you're not stuck on top of the big drop. (Probably not.) * Rei sits up and braces herself. "Okay! Let's do that again." Okay, Maria? You wanna be navigator? I can't hold the map *and* the fishing pole *and* keep my balance. (Makoto clings to Chomei!) ( And steer! ) Or you can be Chief of Fuel! Either way. (No, Rei's steering.) * Rei is steering! ^^ Eh, sure. Oh, wait. Helen Keller? We had to learn about her in class. I was just busy with the bladder thing. What about her? (And *ha*, Rei. ) (Although I'd pay money to see that, really. ;p) * Chie hands Maria the map! * Chomei manages to brace himself. as the thing jostles. He calls out to the drivers. "Are we there yet?!" (It'd be awesome! We should get someone to draw it!) (We should!) Shaddup or I'll turn this carriage around! * Rei shakes her fist. * Chie laughs. * Chomei laughs. Okay. I think I've got the hang of it now. * Maria sits next to Chie and takes the map. "Erm. Could I use the pole instead?" She sadly doesn't get the joke. Aww, okay. Then give me the map. * Chie scoots over so Maria can sit. ( Same thing: Driver needs riding check, then everyone needs body (-3 for those in the coach, -1 for those outside) ) 2d6-3 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Asanjya (2d6-3) and gets 4. * Makoto gradually releases his deathgrip on the window edge and Chomei's shoulder when the ride stabilizes somewhat. "Huh? Oh. Right. Helen Keller," he says to Asanjya, a little bit less enthusiastically than before. "Know why she was a bad driver?" 2d6-3 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chomei (2d6-3) and gets 6. 2d6-3 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Makoto (2d6-3) and gets 1. 2d6-1 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Maria (2d6-1) and gets 5. 2d6-1 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chie (2d6-1) and gets 3. 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Rei (2d6) and gets 10. * Asanjya sways with the coach. "... because she was blind, maybe?" 2d6-1 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Rei (2d6-1) and gets 5. * Makoto grins wickedly. "Because she was a woman, duh." * Asanjya blinks. "I don't get it. What makes any difference about that? I mean, she couldn't drive in the first place, they'd never give her a license." (You are *so* lucky Rei and I aren't in that coach, Makoto. We'd kick your ass.) ( Makoto = deadified? ) ( Be glad Maria's not in there. ) * Chomei chuckles. ( Why do you think he waited until now to tell the joke? ) (And you laughed, Chomei. You'll get yours, too.) (You'll all get yours. *doom*) * Lazar doesn't get it. Oh well. * Makoto stares blankly at Asanjya. "Nevermind. At least Chomei chuckled a little. Chomei," he turns to the demon hunter, "I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot seven or eight different times. What do you say we put all the bickering and backbiting behind us?" (Only seven or eight?) * Asanjya shrugs and goes back to looking out the window and petting Xaphan. He's calm-looking. For once. [In spite of an utterly horrible ride in which Rei crashed into several rocks, tree stumps, and other natural obstacles designed to hurt people riding these things, you have a pretty quick trip, 'cause the meeses run really fast. As you get out of a forest, you spot a fortress on an elevated stone column over a moat of lava, WAY off in the distance. Closer to you is a military camp, surrounded by a thick wooden fence.] * Chomei grins. "What backbiting? I don't remember any bickering." No? Well, good. That will make it much easier for us to be friends. Or at least amicable associates. We shouldn't rush into things, right? [The meeses charge for the camp. They show no signs of slowing.] * Makoto glances out the window. "Hey, look. The Boy Scouts of Japan are in Hell, too." I think we're here! Maria, slow 'em down! Uuuuuuuuuh..... * Maria slows 'em down. o_O Err, well, wait. Are we going to the fortress or the camp? * Chie checks her map. * Rei doesn't seem to really care. "Wheeeee! Pull away the meatbun gently! TREE!" ( THE CAMP! CAMP! ) Oh look, there's another tree! And a rock! REALLY BIG ROCK! I wonder if I can take one of these home with me! * Maria pulls away the meatbun carefully! ( They don't "slow" They go or they don't :P ) ( Riding check Maria ) 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Maria (2d6) and gets 8. * Rei tries to steer so they don't crash into the camp! [The meeses don't lose sight of the bun, and turn to follow it! You're now going back the way you came!] * Chie tries to figure out where in hell they're supposed to be, and if this is it. Turn it around, then pull UP! ( Heehee! ) * Chie looks up. "Hey, we're going the wrong way!" * Maria does as instructed! ( Chie: Navigation roll. Maria: Riding roll ) 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chie (2d6) and gets 6. 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Maria (2d6) and gets 2, a CRITICAL SUCCESS!!! "o/~I love you... you love me... o/~" ( Everyone else: Hold down your lunch rolls! ) [Maria gets them to stop while Chie confirms that this is probably where you're supposed to be.] (The camp, you mean, as opposed to the fortress?) ( The map doesn't say :P ) (This is why I wanted a better map. ;p) * Maria looks around. "So..." Okay, I think this is it. Least as far as I can tell, accordin' to this. *points at map* * Makoto dares to peer out of the window again. ( At some point I'll draw up a terrain thing... but not right now! ) * Asanjya looks around and out the window. Oh. We stopped at the Boy Scout camp. This is the Boy Scout Camp? Really? Okay, parking here's a good place as any. * Lazar looks out the window. "... wow. We no fall over cliff. I impressed." * Rei climbs out of the wagon and looks around. Any peoples? Rei? You wanna double-check and see if we're supposed to be at the camp or the fortress? * Chie holds the map out to her. Oh, sure! * Rei takes it and looks. * Asanjya opens the door and hops out. "That wasn't so bad, really." Xaphan hides in her pocket again. Me too, Lazar. That ride could have been a lot worse. Well, let's go see what's next. * Chomei hops out behind Asanjya. "At least we're in one piece." Well, that answers my question. The things run good. [There seem to be people scurrying around the camp! In fact, a number of them are gathering at the entrence, apparently armed and armored.] * Makoto waits until the others have disembarked before doing the same. We could be in many pieces. This is a Hell... oh my. Hey, looks like they're gonna attack us! How nice of them! * Rei waves cheerily. * Chie does not move from the front seat. "Uh, no? Not nice at all, actually!" Rei, don't be silly. Boy Scouts don't even defend themselves when you beat them up for lunch money. He's got a point. * Asanjya holds out her staff. "Since when were these Boy Scouts?" But they're not Boy Scouts? More like Dynasty Warriors, if you think about it. * Lazar facepalms, and gets out of the carraige. "I think this no time for joking..." Which means they don't defend themselves either, but those archers really pack a whollop. * Chie looks at Makoto and Chomei. "I hope you boys aren't speaking from experience." Of course not. * Makoto smiles in all his lopsided innocence. No, ma'am. ... and since they Chinese, we need someone what speak Chinese to tell them no to kill us. *eyes Rei; eyes Chie* ... oy. * Chie still looks skeptical. "Anyhow, could we find out if this is the right place *before* we get attacked?" Who speaks Chinese here? [Forces continue to gather. They're not moving yet. but people are pushing catapults forwards, aiming towards your location.] Oh, really. Come on. This is getting silly. not me? I thought that was-- oh, right. Hey, Chie. Think you could tell them not to attack us? Rei? Should we try and talk to them, since we seem to be the only ones here who speak Chinese? ... oh shit. Less talk, more talk to people about to pelt us with catapaults! Yeah, probably a good idea. I agree. * Chomei nodnods. * Chie vaults off the carriage and moves to stand next to Rei. Yes. Yes you should. ( Do they shoot diseased cows? ) * Maria glances around. * Makoto shuffles away from the carriage, since that's the biggest thing out here, and the most obvious target. * Chie spreads her arms wide to show that she's unarmed. * Rei clears her throat, then starts walking towards them. "" she calls in Chinese. "" ( Except for her sword! ) [You stand next to each other. Woot.] (It's not in her hands.) * Chie follows along with Rei. "" ( Still, she's not technically unarmed. ) * Maria wishes she knew Chinese. [Maybe they don't hear. The archers are readying there bows. A sizable force has gathered already, and the catapults are being loaded. With brimstone, apparently.] Rei, I don't think it's working! This is gonna suck. * Asanjya sniffs. "Brimstone. That takes me back." * Makoto wishes he were elsewhere. Are you sure we've got the right people? Uh... Takes you back? TO WHAT? * Rei looks at the map. * Chomei looks around for an elsewhere to go to. Training with my uncle, of course! * Rei looks, for all the world, like a tourist lost in Hell. Just with a tail. ... it no working. Talk louder! (We're just tourists. Nothing to see here, move along.) * Maria sits down on the ground and rubs her face. * Makoto looks from Asanjya to Chomei for some reason, and back again. Whatever he was about to say, he doesn't. And slower! That always works with foreigners and retards. "" ( Ok... Rei, Chie, gimme soul - public speaking rolls ) 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chie (2d6) and gets 11. (Elf booty got soul!) 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Rei (2d6) and gets 8. (That's it. Makoto, you're learning Chinese.) How long ago were they trapped here? Do they speak a different Chinese or something? ( Chie inadvertantly messes up a few inflections, and tells the opposing army that they smell of cabbages. ) ( 'They're drawing back the catapults....and replacing them with MASS DRIVERS?! What did you sat to them?' ) [They don't like what you had to say. A catapult launches a rock at you! Everyone, ranged defense +2!] 2d6 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chie (2d6) and gets 5. 2d6 2d6+2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Chomei (2d6) and gets 4. * Dicesuke throws the bones for Asanjya (2d6+2) and gets 13. 2d6+2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Rei (2d6+2) and gets 9. 2d6+2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Makoto (2d6+2) and gets 6. 2d6+2 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Lazar (2d6+2) and gets 11. 2d6-1 * Dicesuke throws the bones for Maria (2d6-1) and gets 2. [The rock (which is probably not brimstone due to what happens next) hits the ground between the lot of you and explodes, sending shards everywhere. Chomei, Makoto, Maria and Chie get out of the way, but everyone else takes signficant damage (well, maybe not so significant for Lazar)] Augh! *That* wasn't supposed to happen! [The troops are mounting meeses. Yes, meeses.] * Lazar stumbles back a bit. "What you say to them?! Insult they moms?!" I said we *weren't* attacking! * Maria snarls.